The exciting ball game between the Mets and Marlins ended with our old friend C Belt in the on deck circle and as of that point a .395 batting average. It has been a great ride from the day we announced the Last Man Standing here at the WaterCooler with plenty of drama and intrigue to keep every fan excited. The season started April 5th and the Last Man Standing came to an end April 28th with a total of seven worthy competitors.
Boy it is hot out there and even hotter in here at the SK Last Man Standing update center. That is mainly because the Last Man Standing Update Center is actually run out of an abandoned Daewoo plant. We have big changes in the standings, were down to just a hand full of warriors for that copy of SK's 7th Birthday party at Space Plex. At the moment we are down to three players with averages over .400, all of the usual suspects; Carlos , Kevin and Victor.
Welcome back and there are plenty of great seats up front, don't be shy. Another week has passed and we are still going strong, in fact at this pace we will pass the Bombay Last Tea Cup Standing Cricket Test Average of 1987 in less then seven weeks! As of 7:00 P.M Eastern Standard Time we still have eight players with a .400 of higher batting average. Though my chess rival Christy Guzman batting .515 is about to drop to unqualified status due to lack of plate appearances. ( Oh wait he already has!)
Happy Easter to you who care and for the rest of you happy Sunday! Did I ever tell you readers how much I love Shrimp Cocktail? Any who let us get to the update:
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the 4/12 update of the Last Man Standing. This is our first and hopefully not last update. The gloves have come off and the tournament ends the first day where a player ends below .400
Welcome gladiators and fanatics to the annual POWERADE Last
Man Standing homepage and center. As 87.93% of you know the ELMS is a classic
game of cat & mouse, where sophisticated assassins explore, research and
simply blindly guess on who will be the Last Man Standing according to the
archaic rules that I have set forth. For the 7% or 30%, depending on if you’re
using Benjamin Franklin or Elton John lenses, of you who do not know what ELKS
is, it is a cut throat competition where citizens who mildly enjoy Major League
baseball select who they feel like will be the last player during the year to
keep over a .400 batting average.
We are back on the information superhighway except for our
readers in Poughkeepsie who did not vote for proposition 9.7. In a moment we will jive our way into the
Beano® Power Rankings but first, let us take a moment and discuss where we have
been for the last 437 trading sessions. When we last left you our great
President; George W. Bush was getting deflated approval ratings, Coach Koehler
or Lombardi as they called him at the hall until the incident was at the top of
the heap, Ryan Leaf would be mentioned in the Bear Stern’spower rankings, NY
Times or Ashbury Press or hell all three…. While many things have changed in
this whacky and crazy world, little has changed in the world of the Wrigley ®
Ultimate POWER RANKINGS. Let us get back on track and stop fantasizing about
the greatest actor of the last decade…Stephen Dorff.
Ah another lovely fall day has
passed and what better way to spend it than participating in Americas’s pass
time…no not football, who wants to have that many people in one place, how
about something a little less social and closer to home. Croquet, yes!, oh but
wait little Kyle smashed half of the Dick’s Sport Goods brand into the frozen
tundra that is your suburban citadel . The other half of course is under the
leaves that the little lady has been nagging for you to pick up for weeks.
Don’t worry you will turn around and convince little Kyle and Helen to do it
for a meal at Fatburger, two birds with one stone, child labor and bonding with
the little prince and princes.
(You will find this in your
Croquet set from Wal-Mart, exactly in this condition with modern production costs.
)
We are back from our commercial break here at PBS to bring
you this week’s John Deere POWER RANKINGS. Many changes have occurred here at
the Ben-Gay studios with last weeks host Matthew “BearCat” Laurer being
arrested for drug possession, attempting to sell liquor to minors and
manslaughter relating to the death of Thespian Emilo Estevez.Due to increased funding from our loyal
viewers and sponsors such as Durex, Sears, Penthouse, and Walt-Disney we have
been able to offer a contract to a new host Dr. Stephen A. Smith of Philly and
an additional statistician Ron C. Harris of…. Well we do not actually know but
he says to refer to the charts.
good evening, ha ha! Welcome to
the 5th annual GMC POWER RANKINGS! These rankings are done with top notch
computers and the folks over at LifeTime Sports. This mornings host for the
power rankings is Matt Laurer formerly of BET.
